How to Fake a ‘Homemade’ Ramadan Ozouma

The arrival of Ramadan is a joyous announcement for many, especially those of us who love an opportunity to celebrate food. It’s finally the season for all group chats to turn to the age-old question - “When are we having iftar together?” - and for the usual hosts to begin their annual panic. Every year, though, a new host joins the host roster, filled with newfound panic regarding the ominous task of preparing an iftar feast for their loved ones - I mean, there’s no way anyone actually cooks all that food while they’re fasting, right?

Unless you were blessed with the God-given yet-to-be-studied superpowers of an Egyptian mum, braving the challenges of preparing a feast that enormous, with stakes so high (everyone is starving and you’re meant to be their saviour), is nearly impossible. And unless you’re planning on throwing a dish party - which is just more stressful for everyone and never a cohesive meal - you’re going to need help.

You can either scroll through endless recipe videos, the ingredients for which you’ll spend hours looking for, and hours experimenting in the kitchen with no indication whatsoever if your food’s actually edible - or you can follow one recipe: the one where you can fake an entire Ramadan ozouma. Is it ethical? Probably not - but it’s more ethical than feeding your starving loved ones burnt food. So let’s get into it.

List of Ingredients:

-1 functional phone.

-2+ food delivery apps.

-A decent amount of credit (you might need to call some restaurants).

-1 kitchen trash can with a lid (to hide the evidence). 

-1 resilient microwave.Cute tableware (add to taste).

-1 old battered apron (to stage your crime).

-3-4 “Sorry I’m so spaced out, I’m just so tired of cooking all day”s to sprinkle into conversation at the dinner table. 

-OPTIONAL: Mention a trick to perfecting one of the dishes - to make it seem more believable.

Preparation:

Now, you won’t need to follow all the steps on this list to create just one ozouma. There are extra options in case you want to reuse this guide for multiple fake ozoumas (also, if your friends are ravenous hooligans).

First, Soup 

I’m going to be honest with you - everyone knows if you’ve used one of those instant soup sachets instead of the real deal. So, unless you’re willing to go soup-less (wouldn’t recommend), you’re going to want Nanno’s pumpkin soup at your dinner table. It tastes homemade, and it’s going to keep your guests warm in the coldest Ramadan we’ve had in a while.

Starters Make the Meal

Calling them ‘appetisers’ honestly feels like an offense to Egyptian culture, because these foods can be the full meal, but we want to leave room for a more elaborate main course you can later complain about as you feast. We’ll start simple, with some mombar pops from Kooka’s kitchen (you can say you got these frozen and fried them yourself, we won’t tell), which you can then follow up with some delicious sambousa(k) from the infamous Fasahet Somaya.

This might be controversial, but some people consider mahshy a starter, and there’s no question as to whether or not you need it on your Ramadan dinner table (you do). While Matbakhii’s mahshy platter covers that need, with everything from vine leaves to peppers to aubergine atop it, you can also opt for a more novel option. Palestinian cloud kitchen Matbakh Beat Setty makes a delicious makdous (pickled aubergines stuffed with walnuts), which you can openly say you outsourced for your ozouma. Your guests will think you’re a cultured foodie, and it adds believaility to your big scheme.

Time for the Main Course - Look Out for Leftovers

The best thing about having an overwhelming set of appetisers on the table is that your guests forget about the main course - and you can then munch on it all the way until sohour. If you think of it that way, you might want to go for Cairo Kitchen’s sumptuous sharkaseya - one of the spot’s fan favourites. You could pair that with 7agogah’s molokhia and a plate of white rice (hey - you can actually make this one at home!) for a comprehensive meal (and hope to God people get so engulfed by the molokhia they leave all the sharkaseya to your ravenous dawn self). If you want to keep up the theme of cultured dining, you could also include Matbakh Beat Setty’s musakhan in your rollout.

If you’re thinking this is enough of a show-stopping meal to wow your guests, that’s cute, but you’re absolutely wrong. Also, I’m wondering if you've ever been to an iftar. No Ramadan ozouma is complete without an enormous tray of macaroni bechamel in the middle - and Blimey’s is, well, enough to have everyone at your table saying just that. If they do, don’t worry, they’re not onto you. It’s just that good.

Finally, a Sweet Treat

As tempting as it is to peruse B Laban’s menu for some eccentric new dessert, or find some weird upscale basbousa with cookies in it, we have to be believable here. So, we’re going back to our roots and serving plain old kunafa from Safi Foods, which both looks and tastes like a grandmother made it. If you’re more of a basbousa person, you’re going to need Halwany El Helmeya. Everyone at your ozouma will be impressed at your basbousa-making abilities. Good luck convincing them not to have iftar at your place everyday, though.